Fuck you!

Yeah, fuck you, too. Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it. Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car - get a fucking job! Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped-up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35. Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from! Fuck the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gekko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Worldcom! Fuck the Puerto Ricans. Twenty to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, 'cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their Jason Giambi Louisville Slugger baseball bats, trying to audition for "The Sopranos." Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermès scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart! Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on! Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus-violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, fuck J.C.! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville, J.! Fuck Osama Bin Laden, al-Qaeda, and backward-ass cave-dwelling fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel-headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass! Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. From the row-houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue, from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park Slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to fucking ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place. No. No, fuck you, Izzy Payne. You had it all, and you threw it away, you DUMB FUCK!

Guns N' Roses - 6 de Outubro!

EU VOU!

Prisoner of Your Love

"My heart fell into the palms of your hands
This love made me understand
I've waited all my life for you
Thought i'd live and die alone
Enraptured by the beauty
I'm a prisoner of your love
Enslaved by the passion
I'm a prisoner of your love
I'm wrapped around your finger
Like the ring on your hand
I'm trapped by your love"
- Yngwie Malmsteen, Prisioner of Your Love

Voices

Cheguei a casa, triste e cansado, após mais um dia igual aos outros. A minha vida continuava a mesma merda de sempre. Atirei-me para cima da cama, fecho os olhos e... Raios, lá estava aquela voz na minha cabeça outra vez.

"Olha para ti, és patético. Estás em baixo, sabes disso. E não fazes nada para melhorar isso. Dizes que a tua luta acabou, mas por dentro ela continua. Desististe da batalha, mas sabes que isso te incomoda. És um fraco, um triste. Nunca vais ser ninguém na vida com essa atitude."

Estas palavras começavam a fazer sentido na minha cabeça. A minha pulsação acelerava cada vez mais, assim como a minha vontade de lutar de novo. Fazer uma última tentativa de matar os meus demónios e finalmente ser feliz. Aquela voz continuava a falar...

"Abre os olhos, sai dessa cama. Vai à luta mais uma vez. Eu sinto que tu o queres, e à medida que eu falo, a tua vontade de lutar aumenta cada vez mais. Não estás farto desse sentimento de culpa que existe dentro de ti? Eu sei que estás! Levanta-te e LUTA!"

E assim foi. A minha pulsação não podia pulsar mais rápido. Tinha um pequeno sorriso na cara, tinha a sensação que era neste dia que iria resolver todos os meus problemas de uma vez por todas. Tirei a minha pequena e velha espada do armário. Limpei-a pois estava cheio de pó. Estava à espera que os demónios que me infernizam a vida todos os dias viessem, para os eliminar de uma vez por todas. E quanto mais esperava, mais força ganhava, mais vontade tinha. Até que eles apareceram, rodeando-me por todos os lados. Atacavam-me vezes e vezes sem conta, mas eu nem sentia. Aí ganhei a certeza que esta luta iria acabar nesse dia. Com todas as minhas forças, ergui a espada e passei ao ataque. Eliminei todos os demónios, um por um, deixando os seus corpos repletos de sangue. Os demónios que me rodeavam estavam deitados no campo de batalha, sem respiração. Acabou tudo, eu era livre. A poeira assentou, e eu, com um sorriso enorme na cara, espetei a espada num dos demónios que se encontrava estendido no chão e fui-me embora. Tinha atingido a felicidade. Agora nada me podia parar. E agora, aqui estou eu, sentado a escrever este post, com o mesmo sorriso que tinha quando assisti à queda de todos os meus demónios.

The Return

Estou de volta. Feliz, completo, e livre de problemas. Mas deixemo-nos de coisas lamechas. Só vim aqui para dizer que o Slave to the Grind dos Skid Row é um grande álbum! E que agora vou tomar banho, vestir-me e tomar uma bela refeição de fast-food no McDonald's. YEY!

14 Years

For 14 years, I've walked all alone in this cruel world we live in. I always minded my own business but I wanted, at the same time, to help the ones who stood around me. Some of them were just like me, but the others had something to live for. And their eyes shined so bright that made me want to chase down my reason to live. For 14 years, I looked for it, but when I seemed to find what I was looking for, it would just slip away, right between my fingers. I ran after every sky in the sky, only to find myself lost in a dark place I already knew and already forgotten. I looked in the mirror, there was no light in my eyes, no matter how I tried to find it. It's been too long. I just want to break free from this world and enter a new one where I'll find what I am looking for and finally live with some happiness. I'm sick and tired of being alone, sick and tired of trying, sick and tired of searching and sick and tired of taking risks. All I need is clarity, or at least one reason to continue searching. One sign of hope in my own miserable life. I wanna see the grass burn, the buildings collapse, the sea just fall into infinity. I wanna watch the whole world destroyed and turned into dust. And then I wanna see it rebuild once again. I wanna see the birth of a brave new world with a different space, different people, a different life. I wanna live in a world where I am not alone, and neither is anyone. I'm fucking sick of being alone, goddamn it.

Izzy

Procura pela Felicidade

Eu gosto de aqui estar. Gosto de sentir o sol a bater-me na cara, de sentir a brisa do mar a arrepiar-me o corpo. Gosto da paz, do sossego e do silêncio que este lugar transmite. Às vezes penso nela enquanto aqui estou, pois quando estava com ela, sentia-me em paz, sossegado, sereno, tal como me sinto aqui. Sentia-me genuinamente... feliz. Felicidade, não é isso que todos procuramos? Eu encontrei a minha nos olhos azuis da rapariga do meu pensamento. E depois encontrei-a de novo no mar azul. Azul como os olhos daquela rapariga que uma vez me ofereceu felicidade. Este post é dedicado a ela. Vemo-nos no outro lado.

Izzy

Batalhas/Despedida

Fecha os olhos. Olha para o que alcançaste. Foste um guerreiro. Batalhaste. Durante 10 longos meses, estiveste na fila da frente do teu esquadrão na tua batalha pessoal, de espada e cabeça erguida, pronto a dar a tua própria vida pela vitória. Estavas em clara desvantagem numérica, os soldados que defendiam a tua causa contavam-se pelos dedos das mãos. Mas mesmo com esse factor, tinhas esperança na vitória. Fechaste os olhos, concentraste-te e começaste a correr em direcção ao inimigo, erguendo a espada e gritando bem alto. Correste ao encontro do inimigo, pronto a terminar a sua mísera existência. Com todas as forças que tinhas dentro do teu corpo, atacaste com golpes mortíferos. Os demónios que te atacavam morriam, um por um. Mas de repente, à velocidade da luz e sem que te apercebesses, foi-te desferido um golpe em cheio no coração. Deitaste-te no chão, gritando em agonia e dor. De repente, deixaste de ver. Tudo o que vias à tua frente era preto. Sentiste gente à tua volta, vozes que entravam nos teus ouvidos, dizendo-te que já não tinhas condições para batalhar, que acabou tudo. Sobreviveste, por sorte. As tuas batidas cardíacas regressaram, o preto desapareceu e começaste a ver o campo de batalha. Vazio. Não se ouvia um barulho, nem se via ninguém. Mas sabias, dentro de ti, que os teus inimigos iriam voltar e tentar garantir o fim da tua vida. Levantaste-te, deitaste a tua espada, repleta de sangue, no chão, viraste costas e foste embora. Esta batalha deixou de valer a pena para ti. Seguias uma causa impossível, mas na qual tinhas fé, e mesmo sem ela, lutavas pela tua causa com tudo. Mas apercebeste-te que ao seguires essa causa, estarias a provocar o teu colapso mental. Não abras os olhos, estás no meio do campo em que lutaste. Sente o teu cabelo a abanar com o vento e o sol a bater na tua cara. É um novo dia. Já não tens nenhuma batalha para travar. Abre os olhos. Encontras-te num mundo novo.
_______________________________________________________

Bem, este vai ser o meu último post deste mês, pelo que vou estar a aproveitar umas merecidas férias (bem preciso delas) e não vou ter nem paciência nem oportunidade para publicar mais nenhum texto. Até Setembro!

"No one's gonna bother me anymore, no one's gonna mess with my head no more. I can't understand what all the fighting's for, but it's so nice here down off the shore. I wish you could see this 'cause there's nothing to see, it's peaceful here and it's fine with me, not like the world where I used to live" - Guns N' Roses, "Coma"

The Iz

Too Late: Frozen

So you've come to say you're very sorry
"It won't happen again, forgive me"
Time will not heal these wounds
And I'm bleeding because of you
Was everything we had just a joke?
I've run out of patience, tears and hope
Love does not conquer all
And I'm screaming because of you
Too late for apologies
In the shadow of the light from a black sun
Frigid statue standing icy blue and numb
Where are the frost giants I've begged for protection?
I'm freezing
Cold winter winds that chill my heart with sleet and snow
Not from the north come to this glacial abode
But from your dimension, cryogenic limbo
I'm freezing
I'm frozen
It's too late

Coma

"Hey you caught me in a coma
And I don't think I wanna
Ever come back to this...world again
Kinda like it in a coma
'Cause no one's ever gonna
Oh, make me come back to this...world again
Now I feel as if I'm floating away
I can't feel all the pressure
And I like it this way
But my body's callin'
My body's callin'
Won't ya come back to this...world again
Suspended deep in a sea of black
I've got the light at the end
I've got the bones on the mast
Well I've gone sailin', I've gone sailin'
I could leave so easily
While friends are calling back to me
I said they're
They're leaving it all up to me
When all I needed was clarity
And someone to tell me
What the fuck is going on
Goddamn it!


Slippin' farther an farther away
It's a miracle how long we can stay
In a world our minds created
In a world that's full of shit


Help me
Help me
Help me
Help me
Bastard


Please understand me
I'm climbin' through the wreckage
Of all my twisted dreams
But this cheap investigation just can't
stifle all my screams
And I'm waitin' at the crossroads
Waiting for you
Waiting for you
Where are you


No one's gonna bother me anymore
No one's gonna mess with my head no more
I can't understand what all the fightin's for
But it's so nice here down off the shore
I wish you could see this
'Cause there's nothing to see
It's peaceful here and it's fine with me
Not like the world where I used to live
I never really wanted to live


Zap him again
Zap the son of a bitch again


Ya live your life like it's a coma
So won't you tell me why we'd wanna
With all the reasons you give it's
It's kinda hard to believe
But who am I to tell you that I've seen
any reason why you should stay
Maybe we'd be better off without you anyway


You got a one way ticket
On your last chance ride
Gotta one way ticket
To your suicide
Gotta one way ticket
An there's no way out alive
An all this crass communication
That has left you in the cold
Isn't much for consolation
When you feel so weak and old
But is home is where the heart is
Then there's stories to be told
No you don't need a doctor
No one else can heal your soul


Got your mind in submission
Got your life on the line
But nobody pulled the trigger
They just stepped aside
They be down by the water
While you watch 'em waving goodbye
They be callin' in the morning
They be hangin' on the phone
They be waiting for an answer
When you know nobody's home
And when the bell's stopped ringing
It was nobody's fault but your own
There were always ample warnings
There were always subtle signs
And you would have seen it comin'
But we gave you too much time
And when you said that no one's listening
Why'd your best friend drop a dime
Sometimes we get so tired of waiting
For a way to spend our time
An "It's so easy" to be social
"It's so easy" to be cool
Yeah it's easy to be hungry
When you ain't got shit to lose
And I wish that I could help you
With what you hope to find
But I'm still out here waiting
Watching reruns of my life
When you reach the point of breaking
Know it's gonna take some time
To heal the broken memories
That another man would need
Just to survive"